My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
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I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
My hips? Compulsive liars.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.