@InternetHippo

[i get a phone call]
“Hi we’d like to talk to you about your tweets”
ME: Wow thank you but I don’t do interviews
“This is the police”

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@Jtweeters

If you love someone, set them free. If they return… something, something, Justin Bieber’s a lesbian.

@danadonly

when is national “guy i have been sleeping with 3 times a week for 5 months who won’t let me call him my boyfriend” day? i want an excuse to post pics of us on instagram that he will then ask me to remove.

@sannewman

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people

@Bearslietoo

My favorite part about being an adult is that my pillow fort now has a mini bar.

@PoodleSnarf

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

@shkeeber

I’m not drunk. I’m a gravity inspector…

…and everything seems to be in order here.

*falls down/passes out*

@rinbcage

it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife

@FuckabillyRex

*during sex
Her: This feels weird, is it a water bed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs