I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
You Might Also Like
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Sign at work today
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Thursday Thought.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.