@patnspankme

I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.

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@moneebthinks

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip

@inikoblue

Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.

@suz1973luq

Text exchange: me- we need eggs. hub- how many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.

@DirtMcTurd

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

@davecribb

I have watched this 30 times already since I discovered it under two minutes ago.

@rgay

I always say thank you to Alexa so that when the machines take over they know I am nice.

@Rachelnoise

15: MOM, WHERE’S MY NIRVANA SHIRT?!
Me: Name THREE songs & I’ll help you look for it.
15: …

@AshlingDennehy

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

@Tommytoughstuff

[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”

@protolalia

“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.