I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
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Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂