i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
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God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers