I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
You Might Also Like
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Some guy just passed toilet paper under the stall without me even asking. I’m not sure if he is a pervert or a wizard.
I just met a black vegan… All I kept asking was “so you don’t eat chicken?”
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
did you write “call Gary in HR for lots of really disappointing and hairy sex” on the bathroom stall?
[wearing my “I hate gary” tshirt]: no
I flip off the rollercoaster camera, then buy a mug with the picture on it, ride it again, flip off the camera again while sipping my mug