@blainecapatch

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

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@haileev25

I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them

@LanieLalaBugs

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

@AbrasiveGhost

HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats

@BradBroaddus

Some guy just passed toilet paper under the stall without me even asking. I’m not sure if he is a pervert or a wizard.

@FaisalAdam_

I just met a black vegan… All I kept asking was “so you don’t eat chicken?”

@Lottie_Poppie

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this

@aedison

DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.

@eyeswidebutt

did you write “call Gary in HR for lots of really disappointing and hairy sex” on the bathroom stall?

[wearing my “I hate gary” tshirt]: no

@michaeljhudson

I flip off the rollercoaster camera, then buy a mug with the picture on it, ride it again, flip off the camera again while sipping my mug