I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
You Might Also Like
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
that lip filler tho
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.