I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

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Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS


🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today


First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!


Pregnant white women over 30 always buy the biggest SUV around, because you never know when you’ll give birth to half of a baseball team.


Police officer: You get to make one phone call.

Me: Do I have to?


If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge


Pretty cool that there’s no law saying you can’t name your kid Squidward if you want.


Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.


This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.


Paper towel ads always show kids making huge messes then mom smiles & cleans it up. My mom would’ve handed me a mop then beat me with a belt