@MaraWilson

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

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@isabelzawtun

Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS

@shessoken

🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today

@moiragallaga

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

@TheMichaelRock

Pregnant white women over 30 always buy the biggest SUV around, because you never know when you’ll give birth to half of a baseball team.

@darksidedeb

Police officer: You get to make one phone call.

Me: Do I have to?

@moxieblogger

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge

@shegotagronk

Pretty cool that there’s no law saying you can’t name your kid Squidward if you want.

@My_Higherness

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

@GuyThe_Guy

This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.

@robfee

Paper towel ads always show kids making huge messes then mom smiles & cleans it up. My mom would’ve handed me a mop then beat me with a belt