I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
(I get an amber alert for a missing child) OK its my time to shine (I get in my car and back out without looking and instantly hit the kid)
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I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Do, Re, uh…
*calls Lionel Ritchie*
“What comes after Do & Re on a music scale?”
Is it Mi you’re looking for?
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Saw Helena Bonham Carter walking down Wardour Street earlier looking every inch the mystical vagabond. Was tempted to rub her head for luck.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
[the invention of money]
i want your stuff
“it’s mine tho”
what if i gave you a hard circle or a long paper
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer