@mikefossey

(I get an amber alert for a missing child) OK its my time to shine (I get in my car and back out without looking and instantly hit the kid)

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@LizHackett

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

@online_shawn

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

@SortaBad

“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”

@justabloodygame

*singing scales*
Do, Re, uh…
*calls Lionel Ritchie*
“Hey”
Hello!
“What comes after Do & Re on a music scale?”
Is it Mi you’re looking for?

@GoldenSpirals

Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

@IncrediblyRich

Saw Helena Bonham Carter walking down Wardour Street earlier looking every inch the mystical vagabond. Was tempted to rub her head for luck.

@perlhack

*teaches nephew about the telegraph*

him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?

@AbbyHasIssues

Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.

Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.

@themiltron

[the invention of money]
i want your stuff
“it’s mine tho”
what if i gave you a hard circle or a long paper
“hmmm”

@desusnice

remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer