I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
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Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Guantanamo Bae
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?