@LeannaZaiden

I get bi with a little help from my girl friends.

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@MomOnFire

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

@Kryzazy

Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack

@AbrasiveGhost

God: I call it a Caterpillar

Angel: What is it?

God: A worm with feet

Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?

God: Then it grows wings

@gasstationgurl

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

@samiam604

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*

@BritXNic

I had an affair with English. Since then, Math and I don’t speak.

@QBruby

Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…

Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!

@WhaJoTalkinBout

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.

@JohnLyonTweets

“Found another body, sheriff. Just like the others, she didn’t forward the letter to 10 friends.”
-from The Texas Chain Letter Massacre