@dave_cactus
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
@TheQuietPsycho
I get caught zipping my pants up while standing beside the turkey just one time, and suddenly she never needs help in the kitchen anymore
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@dave_cactus
@TheAndrewNadeau
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, weβre on the same page.
@boring_as_heck
MISSING: SUPER ADORABLE PUPPY. WILL COME IF YOU PLAY WU-TANG HELLA LOUD. THIS IS NOT A PLOY TO GET THE NEIGHBORHOOD BUMPIN’, THE DOG IS REAL
@asherperlman
🐕🍷
@DaddyJew
Trainer: have you been sticking to your diet?
Me: *tries to mumble yes but a chicken wing falls out of my mouth*
@gvicks
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
@qwertying
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.
@MollyCocktail
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
@dafloydsta
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?