I get caught zipping my pants up while standing beside the turkey just one time, and suddenly she never needs help in the kitchen anymore

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Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.


GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron


I think if a little girl wants to grow up and be a Tyrannosaurus Rex that’s totally fine, and science shouldn’t stop her.


Pro tip: don’t do anything to entertain a toddler that you wouldn’t be comfortable doing 1,000,000 more times


Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.


God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.


Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat


I just accidentally opened the door for a jehovah’s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.



1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time