I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
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Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go