@TheQuietPsycho: I get caught zipping my pants up while standing beside the turkey just one time, and suddenly she never needs help in the kitchen anymore
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@JohnLyonTweets: Apparently doctors don't like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
@PaperWash: idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven't talked to since high school
@MamaFizzles: My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.