@TheQuietPsycho

I get caught zipping my pants up while standing beside the turkey just one time, and suddenly she never needs help in the kitchen anymore

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@dave_cactus

EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.

@TheAndrewNadeau

HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.

@boring_as_heck

MISSING: SUPER ADORABLE PUPPY. WILL COME IF YOU PLAY WU-TANG HELLA LOUD. THIS IS NOT A PLOY TO GET THE NEIGHBORHOOD BUMPIN’, THE DOG IS REAL

@DaddyJew

Trainer: have you been sticking to your diet?

Me: *tries to mumble yes but a chicken wing falls out of my mouth*

@gvicks

2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.

@qwertying

My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.

@MollyCocktail

Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Stay lazy my friends.

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?

ME: How do I access the WIFI?

INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job

ME: Is that all capital?