@JohnLyonTweets: Apparently doctors don't like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

@PaperWash: idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven't talked to since high school

@MamaFizzles: My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.

@_PerziaN_: So this killed me..#maths

@baconacid: Who else does this? 1. wets toothbrush 2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush 3. wets toothbrush again 4. does backflip on to huge pile of money