I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
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Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.