I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
haha same
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.