I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
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Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Two types of dogs.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.