@BryMastas

I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.

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@TheMichaelRock

God: One last thing before I let you in. Let’s look at your Google search history.

Me: I’ll show myself out.

@noog

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.

@kelly__le

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

@KraftDinerr

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

@NicCageMatch

Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.

@Goofpoops

Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner

I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!

@JessObsess

The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.

@thenatewolf

I totally get why women are attracted to men who ride motorcycles. Like you increase your chances of getting to have two husbands by a lot.

@dumbbeezie

Please pray for girls everywhere who are getting a “What’s up” text right now

Be strong. Don’t answer. Eat ice cream.