@FuckabillyRex

I get hit with a lot of folding chairs for someone that’s not a professional wrestler.

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@sfreeze6

“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.

@DanMentos

I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit

@KalvinMacleod

[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied

@SeanBlazed

IF SIMBA COULD GROW TO THE SIZE OF A HEALTHY ADULT LION EATING BUGS THEN SO CAN I

@AmyLee_W

HELLO I SEE THAT YOU SLIGHTLY TOUCHED YOUR MOUSE WOULD YOU LIKE TO UPDATE JAVA?

@Josievorenkamp

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

@AmishPornStar1

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

@FSUSteve

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.

@wickedsuga

No, takeout goes in the front seat.
You sit in the back.

@InkedUpKidder

My fan has two settings:
– Barely moving.
– Could propel a hovercraft across the Everglades.