I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
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some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Sticker placement is key.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I know karate and tons of other words.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Running from your problems is cardio .
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.