I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
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Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.