*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Calls in sick
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
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Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
K. U. M.
Just write Jason.”
– me right after ordering coffee
maybe the white peopel who are scared of immigrants are only scared b/c they kno what white peopel did when they first immigrated to america