@TheHyyyype

[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]

ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit

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@T_Bonezzz_

*Jumps out of bed

“Seize the day!!”

*Stubs toe

*Calls in sick

@3sunzzz

If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.

@StellaRtwot

Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?

@blade_funner

Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp

Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES

@daemonic3

[during sex]

her: do you want to try a new position?

me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles

her: what

me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors

her: stop

@huntigula

if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape

@GingerHotDish

My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

@kumailn

“Kumail.
Kumail.
K. U. M.
No. M.
Just write Jason.”

– me right after ordering coffee

@jonnysun

maybe the white peopel who are scared of immigrants are only scared b/c they kno what white peopel did when they first immigrated to america