If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
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Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
quarantine day 3
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
What’s a Messi?
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”