[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
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Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Go girl power!
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card