@pakalupapito

i get ignored so much

my name should be terms and conditions

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@sofarrsogud

ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.

@SaraMansford

I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.

@UncleDuke1969

JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.

@weinerdog4life

Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.

@TheAndrewNadeau

People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.

@ChaseMit

I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?

@Playing_Dad

Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.

@NicestHippo

PLATO: I’m famous in the future? I bet the word platonic is used to describe philosoph–

It’s for relationships where nobody’s getting laid

@BinaryBad

I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.