@pakalupapito

i get ignored so much

my name should be terms and conditions

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@LoveNLunchmeat

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

@markydoodoo

[eraser factory]

BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?

ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself

@TheCiscoKidder

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

@thepunningman

Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk

@blade_funner

TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them

@snesfu

Girl, get dressed up real nice. I’m taking you to bee disease day.

@envydatropic

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

@longwall26

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

@markleggett

Fired from my court room sketch artist job, for putting thought bubbles on people’s heads saying “The court room sketch artist is so hunky.”