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BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive


[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again


I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.


Bartender: This is from the woman at the end of the bar
*hands me her bill


I have 2 words for you:


Also, I may be high from paint fumes.


Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children


Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.


My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.


“I miss my label mates.”

“You’re a recording artist?”

“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”


Gf: do I look fat in these pants?

Brain: oh god it’s a trap, this is what we’ve been training for

Me: I’ve seen worse

Brain: WTF MAN