BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
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[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Bartender: This is from the woman at the end of the bar
*hands me her bill
I have 2 words for you:
Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Gf: do I look fat in these pants?
Brain: oh god it’s a trap, this is what we’ve been training for
Me: I’ve seen worse
Brain: WTF MAN