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@AristotlesNZ

Don’t worry, dude, You’re fine. I’m pretty sure you need a personality first before it can have a disorder.

@TheOnion

‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby

@ShitJokes

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”

@Shanehasabeard

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

@matt___nelson

Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”

@DominicStraw

“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”

“Honey, what movie are you watching?”

“Our wedding video.”

@Sarcasticsapien

On Halloween I’m going to let kids decide between raisins and a toothbrush so they know what we’re going through with this election.

@Gupton68

Lost the wife today and it’s so liberating. Sadly, she’ll find me eventually, the security guard says I can’t hide in this IKEA forever.

@MarinaLostetter

Thinking about how there are no Sour Patch Adults because we eat all the children.