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Don’t worry, dude, You’re fine. I’m pretty sure you need a personality first before it can have a disorder.


‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby


I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”


Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen


Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”


“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”

“Honey, what movie are you watching?”

“Our wedding video.”


On Halloween I’m going to let kids decide between raisins and a toothbrush so they know what we’re going through with this election.


Lost the wife today and it’s so liberating. Sadly, she’ll find me eventually, the security guard says I can’t hide in this IKEA forever.


Thinking about how there are no Sour Patch Adults because we eat all the children.