@pittdave13

I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years

You Might Also Like

@onion_an

[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.

@illTortuga

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

@Jack_Wagon1

Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.

@david8hughes

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

@MumInBits

Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes

@Mikestanley1

[pulls up after first date]

Me: well, this is my place

Her: a bouncy house?

Me: you expected a bouncy castle? IM SORRY “YOUR MAJESTY.”

@PyrBliss

I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.

@tazsme

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists