I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
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DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.