I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years

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[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper


WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.


I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.


Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.


If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.


Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes


[pulls up after first date]

Me: well, this is my place

Her: a bouncy house?

Me: you expected a bouncy castle? IM SORRY “YOUR MAJESTY.”


I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.


[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists