I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

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Atheists don’t believe in God or the “i before e except after c” rule of spelling.


I’m not attached.

Me writing to my crush: Dear Slim, I wrote you, but you still ain’t callin’


I told my dog 6,000 times, she could go out but I wasn’t going to sit outside with her…

Long story short, I’m sitting outside with her.


If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.


U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.


Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.


It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.


“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?



We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.


El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.