I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
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“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
A duv-egg? In this economy?
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.