@Gupton68

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

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@WonderMonkey78

Atheists don’t believe in God or the “i before e except after c” rule of spelling.

@comes_night

I’m not attached.

Me writing to my crush: Dear Slim, I wrote you, but you still ain’t callin’

@julie2288

I told my dog 6,000 times, she could go out but I wasn’t going to sit outside with her…

Long story short, I’m sitting outside with her.

@carlyken

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

@KattsDogma

U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.

@KentWGraham

Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.

@anerdonfire2

It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.

@SteveSuckington

“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?

“Omg”

@eff_yeah_steph

We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.

@TweetsByTheTony

El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.