I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
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I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married