I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
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When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
*weighs self after shaving
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo