@PaperWash

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

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@jwoodham

Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.

@causticbob

So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?

@momTruthBomb

When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.

@Overxposd

My Executive Director said to me “Well aren’t you an eager beaver”

I was like “Oh my God, Why? What have you heard???”

@bourgeoisalien

We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us

@iLikeCatShirts

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

@jwoodham

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.

@KalvinMacleod

Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine