I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

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The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?


Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order


I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.


I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.


me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-

Other people on life raft: please stop


Interviewer: how do you feel about traveling?

Me: oh I dont know, I mean I just met you


Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present