I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
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I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
i’m sure it’s fine
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Boy never ceases to amaze me
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds