@BoomBoomBetty

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

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@MandaPandaXo4

I can’t date a guy who’s afraid of spiders. He can be afraid of stuff I’m not. Like, nachos, maybe. That’s fine. I can take care of those.

@abbycohenwl

If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

@markydoodoo

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

@KyleMcDowell86

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

@Mikecanrant

Not trying to be racist or ignorant but…

seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.

@LlamaInaTux

Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?

Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out

@noneofyours99

That awkward moment when you accidently knock a 90 year old over trying to get to the buffet first.

@GrantTanaka

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

@Brianhopecomedy

Apparently saying, “Oh, I just came to watch” makes everyone else uncomfortable in the Pilates class.