I can’t date a guy who’s afraid of spiders. He can be afraid of stuff I’m not. Like, nachos, maybe. That’s fine. I can take care of those.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
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If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but…
seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
That awkward moment when you accidently knock a 90 year old over trying to get to the buffet first.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Apparently saying, “Oh, I just came to watch” makes everyone else uncomfortable in the Pilates class.