I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
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It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
🚲+physics = winner
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.