I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

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Me: *covers foot with blanket*

Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*

Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin


She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….


When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.


me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?

her: sure!


her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be

me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean


I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That stuff’s 4 serial killers.


shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!

me (has no idea what that is or means): good.


Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…


A policeman walks into a bar. The bar is now being charged for assaulting a police officer.