Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
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Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now