I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
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My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
I put the mess in domestic.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.