I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

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When coming out of any coma, try keeping your eyes shut for another day or two to see what everyone’s saying about you.


[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.


It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone


I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.


If Amazon had a dating app:

You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in


My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful


My wife is yelling THROW HER THROW HER during Olympic ice dancing with the bloodlust of 80,000 Roman citizens watching gladiators battle to the death.


[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest


*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”


As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.