@Midgetspar

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

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@Blunt_Sarcastic

When coming out of any coma, try keeping your eyes shut for another day or two to see what everyone’s saying about you.

@Fickle_Filly

[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.

@bridger_w

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone

@betulesairafi

I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.

@PrivacyAttorney

If Amazon had a dating app:

You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in

@FeelingEuphoric

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

@six_2_and_even

My wife is yelling THROW HER THROW HER during Olympic ice dancing with the bloodlust of 80,000 Roman citizens watching gladiators battle to the death.

@mad_cattery

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

@7_Cents

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

@ImMelanieGibson

As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.