I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
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According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.