@RidiculousSheri

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.

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@dadmann_walking

5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.

@shkeeber

I can’t diet because it would devastate the local fast food economy, and frankly, I just don’t think I could live with that kind of guilt.

@AddledPixie

I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.

@MaryJustice86

Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

@crocodilethumbs

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned

Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent

@ElleOhHell

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

@therealeatwood

JUDGE: I sentence you to 2 consecutive life sentences

[60 yrs later: convict dies, is reincarnated]

COP: This baby camel is under arrest

@BeCoco77

I’ll apologize for burning your house down if you apologize for telling me I “overreact.”

@lalastrailer

If I had a dollar for everyone I work with who’s dumber than me, I’d have $11 cause I work for a small company.