5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
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I can’t diet because it would devastate the local fast food economy, and frankly, I just don’t think I could live with that kind of guilt.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
[front of card]
No one will find your body
as attractive as I do
[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
JUDGE: I sentence you to 2 consecutive life sentences
[60 yrs later: convict dies, is reincarnated]
COP: This baby camel is under arrest
I’ll apologize for burning your house down if you apologize for telling me I “overreact.”
If I had a dollar for everyone I work with who’s dumber than me, I’d have $11 cause I work for a small company.