I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
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[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳