@weinerdog4life

I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you’re never, oh you knocked me down again, you are being very rude

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@TheAlexNevil

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

@squirrel74wkgn

[on a first date]

Her: I don’t like guns

Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*

@__ap5_

imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol

@Beatonm5

“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”

@E_lok44

[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.

@AnkCoupleTO

If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

@sarcastibrat

This is why the government won’t tell us if aliens are real. You fuckers will panic and buy all the tin foil.

@themocker69

We can send a man to the moon but can’t turn a tap on when someone’s in the shower.

@BuckyIsotope

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen

@FuckabillyRex

I gave my bus driver a copy of the play I wrote about a bus driver that falls in love with one of his passengers. And now we wait.