me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
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*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
So true for me
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Practicing safe sax
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN