*knock on the door
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you’re never, oh you knocked me down again, you are being very rude
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[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
This is why the government won’t tell us if aliens are real. You fuckers will panic and buy all the tin foil.
We can send a man to the moon but can’t turn a tap on when someone’s in the shower.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
I gave my bus driver a copy of the play I wrote about a bus driver that falls in love with one of his passengers. And now we wait.