“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

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Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate


a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week


“Well … I’ll be dammed.”

Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.


Trained psychologists: “Hitting your kids can cause them to be violent adults”

Twitter genius: “I was hit and I never turned out violent. That’s why I can’t wait to hit my own kids when I get them”


Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet


I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.


Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!