@TheBoydP

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

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@BrianHDot

Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless

@adamallday

About to finish my second book of the day!

And when I say book, I really mean magazine.

And when I say magazine, I really mean pizza.

@AmberDonn

The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.

@ThisOneSayz

*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

….

Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!

@DaddyJew

11: I will avenge your death

Me: nobody’s killed me

11: well when someone does

@Mom_Overboard

Fact: for every polite Canadian human there is an equally rude goose