@TheBoydP

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

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@weinerdog4life

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

@minkpinkustink

a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week

@knot_eye

“Well … I’ll be dammed.”

Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.

@ChristianMingel

Trained psychologists: “Hitting your kids can cause them to be violent adults”

Twitter genius: “I was hit and I never turned out violent. That’s why I can’t wait to hit my own kids when I get them”

@SteveDutzy

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

@Miles_Mannered

I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.

@TheAlexNevil

Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!