“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
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i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.