I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
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I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.