@RunOldMan

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

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@chrissyteigen

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

@TheAlexNevil

First day of school and 8’s teacher has already sent a note home with him: “You dropped your son off at the wrong school.”

@ThatRascalPuff

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

@pharmasean

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.

Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.

Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.

@delusions_of

My fighting style is best known as grabbing the last slice of pizza and running away.

@mindflakes

A good business strategy is to have a donut-shaped meeting room table that rotates around you at 200 rpm as everyone struggles to cling on and you sit in the middle, laughing

@SummerCandyEyes

I like to make things awkward on first dates just by shouting “wrong hole!!” at inappropriate times, like when you’re eating.

@Reverend_Scott

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.