I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
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Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Not recommended for beginners.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
BaD BoY!!
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry