I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
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I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
I was bored.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
stand with me against insufficient seating