I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

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[getting a number at a bar]

girl: 1-235-813-2134

Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested


Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.


*hears giggling kids

7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!

Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?


Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

Good Morning Honey.


Police arrested 2 kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off


one time my boss said “salad, as a food, sucks” and this other guy was like “as opposed to like, salad as a shirt?” and that guy lost his job a few weeks later


I don’t like the word ‘scampi’. It sounds like seafood that’s trying to run away.


Things that make me irrationally angry:

• fire ants
• random clicking sounds
• hangnails
• brass or gold accents in home décor
• mayonnaise


*Me being held for ransom*

Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!


Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.