@DamienFahey

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

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@humanaaron

[getting a number at a bar]

girl: 1-235-813-2134

Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested

@tigersgoroooar

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

@DameSpunky

*hears giggling kids

7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!

Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?

@sofarrsogud

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

@ArcaneAndAdrift

Police arrested 2 kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off

@mikefossey

one time my boss said “salad, as a food, sucks” and this other guy was like “as opposed to like, salad as a shirt?” and that guy lost his job a few weeks later

@tweetsvisual

I don’t like the word ‘scampi’. It sounds like seafood that’s trying to run away.

@henchbeaver

Things that make me irrationally angry:

• fire ants
• random clicking sounds
• hangnails
• brass or gold accents in home décor
• mayonnaise

@Daveastated

*Me being held for ransom*

Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!

@OllyiConic

Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.