I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
You Might Also Like
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Lmao 🤣
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.