just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
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M&M Customer service rep: How may I help you today?
Me: I’m just furious right now! I paid good money for a bag of M&M’s and all I got was this bag full of W’s! I want my money back!
Rep: Ma’am, please calm down. It’s ok. Just flip it upside down
Me: well this is embarrassing
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
if I have learned anything from old movies,
you can’t shoot a tommy gun without laughing hysterically
every snail has a perfectly baked cinnamon bun inside its shell
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room