@RogerQuimbly

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

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@JustDontBugMe

M&M Customer service rep: How may I help you today?

Me: I’m just furious right now! I paid good money for a bag of M&M’s and all I got was this bag full of W’s! I want my money back!

Rep: Ma’am, please calm down. It’s ok. Just flip it upside down

Me: well this is embarrassing

@XplodingUnicorn

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

@RedheadChaos

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

@Amusitr0n

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

@OneTrickTofani

“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

@EndhooS

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

@BrokenDollMcGee

if I have learned anything from old movies,
you can’t shoot a tommy gun without laughing hysterically

@Wine_honey1

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room