@1MeLrO

I get my best cardio at the grocery store because I never make a list

And back to isle 3 and repeat

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@KickSumHunibuns

Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon

@BigJDubz

The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?

@EndhooS

[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

@MilesKlee

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

@notmythirdrodeo

It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.

I’m about to put on a white shirt.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

@kaynecaraway

I blanked when I got to the counter at Starbucks and said “vodka soda” and she said “huh” and I said “huh” and then we stared at each other until I remembered I was there for coffee.

@shaztaberry

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

@PaperWash

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

@MarfSalvador

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not