Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
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This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
When I pack too much for a short trip.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith