I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
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Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Always…
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do