I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom

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Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!

Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.


I wish I was an American so that I had the right to bear arms. I’d probably go for panda bear arms because awwwww, so cute.


Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no


I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.


If I ever noticed you waving frantically from inside a burning building I would totally wave back because I’m polite.


My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.


*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*


Maybe if we start smacking people when they say something stupid, evolution will eventually create a delay between thinking and speaking.


When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.


Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles


Alright ok fine