@pseudo_fred

I get my hair cut twice a week. Mostly because I love capes.

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@Kauaibride

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids

@weinerdog4life

Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost

@LMHPhotog

*bursts into room

Me: GUYS! GUYS! I FOUND A UNICORN

Guys: Yeah sure,show us then!

*holds up single kernel of corn

*gets violently beaten

@VerifiedJayy

My son: do kids that get bullied go to college?

Me: no they go to the police academy

@juliussharpe

I used to see people alone at restaurants and feel bad for them. Now I’m with a screaming two year old wondering, “Who is that solo genius?”

@realHamOnWry

If you’re lost in the forest start talking about politics. Someone is sure to show up to argue with you.

@Kate_Hart

actually overheard in ER:
nurse: “Who’s the president?”
patient: “Oh GOD.”