I get my hair cut twice a week. Mostly because I love capes.

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settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids


Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost


*bursts into room


Guys: Yeah sure,show us then!

*holds up single kernel of corn

*gets violently beaten


My son: do kids that get bullied go to college?

Me: no they go to the police academy


I used to see people alone at restaurants and feel bad for them. Now I’m with a screaming two year old wondering, “Who is that solo genius?”


If you’re lost in the forest start talking about politics. Someone is sure to show up to argue with you.


actually overheard in ER:
nurse: “Who’s the president?”
patient: “Oh GOD.”