if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
You Might Also Like
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Order here:
More here:
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.