I get nervous about DM’s asking if it’s me in video because:

1. I drink.
2. I sometimes dance when drunk.
3. I’m always white when I dance.

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Blind date.

Oh, this is awkward


What i meant…


When I said i was looking for a big dog person was..



When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.


I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”


I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is


“Have a nice day” is a bit pushy. I prefer “Have a decent enough day to not punch someone”


Developer: We have a problem.

Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.

Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.


A good business strategy is to have a donut-shaped meeting room table that rotates around you at 200 rpm as everyone struggles to cling on and you sit in the middle, laughing


[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”


*Calls the DMV*

Hi yes I’ve lost ten pounds please send a new license with my updated weight thanks


Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right