I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
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[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.