I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
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Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Pretty much. 🤣
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
spicy snake
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.