I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
You Might Also Like
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
WHY?!
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION