I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
You Might Also Like
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Roses are red
Violets are blue