[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
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Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….