[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

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Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”


MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked


Women do not want to hear what you think..nnThey want to hear what they think..nnIn a deeper voice……


robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now


When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.


[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine


ME: I used to lay in the dark and invite spirits to inhabit my body.
HER: Did they?
ME: [levitates, engulfed in flames] WHAT DO YOU THINK?


ME: I’m scared of dying alone.

SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.