[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
You Might Also Like
My kid asked why we eat so much bacon so I told him it’s a vegetable
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
Just finished my book about how to get laid at bars. It’s called The Girl With the Lower-Back Tattoo.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
My 6yo has been rolling around on the floor for 30 mins whining for me to get her some juice cause SHE doesn’t want to
Go ahead. Have kids
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.