@StellaGMaddox

I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!

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@recursivetaco

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

@VisionBored1

My kid asked why we eat so much bacon so I told him it’s a vegetable

@shadygrenade

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”

@UncleDuke1969

“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”

“OK, Daddy.”

@SortaBad

Just finished my book about how to get laid at bars. It’s called The Girl With the Lower-Back Tattoo.

@mrjohndarby

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand

@adamgreattweet

Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze

@McKnightyBoo

My 6yo has been rolling around on the floor for 30 mins whining for me to get her some juice cause SHE doesn’t want to

Go ahead. Have kids

@JoParkerBear

Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.