@AdmiralAkbrown

I get so fustrated when people say “supposably” or “irregardless” I feel like I’m literally drownding

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@Ristolable

I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time

@SteveSuckington

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

@karanbirtinna

What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?

@dafloydsta

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

@ericsshadow

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

@LindaSuePark

Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

@UncleDuke1969

“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”

“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”