I get so fustrated when people say “supposably” or “irregardless” I feel like I’m literally drownding

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I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time


I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.


What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?


[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?


The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.


Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.


“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”

“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”